The Rocky Homunculus Picture Show
by bookchic23
Summary: Quite possiby THE wierdest FMA crossover fic ever. The Homunculi show a random movie they made. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

I've become somewhat obsessed with RHPS over the summer (Yet another thing to my loooong list of fandoms)

Well, anywhoo, Enjoy!

One rainy night at central headquarters (Much like tonight, as a matter of fact), everyone was piling into a theatre Fuhrer Bradley used on special occasions.

"So what movie is this, anyway?" asked Alphonse, sitting in the seat next to his brother.

"No idea," he replied. "Bradley just said we all had to attend the showing, or we'd be court-marshaled."

Suddenly, the lights began to dim. The screen flickered to life. Onscreen there appeared a blurry image of a man with palm tree-like hair and a sadistic grin.

Ed almost chocked on his popcorn. "Envy!" he cried.

Many others in the audience also began to panic.

"Greetings, pathetic military humans," said Envy. "We are the Homunculi, and we have infiltrated your base. In doing so we shall force you to watch a movie that we randomly made one day. Because we were bored. It is pointless to resist, as we have barred the exits." People pushed on the doors to discover this was true.

"So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the Rocky Homunculus Picture Show! Bye!" And with another evil grin, the screen went black.

Al had a shocked look on his face, and Ed had fainted.

"Holy Shizzit," muttered Roy.

Up in a box, seven pairs of eyes looked down at panicked spectators.

"I had this box reserved, for the use of me and my 'respected comrades', said Pride.

"Ooh, very Phantom of the Opera," grinned Envy.

Pride leaned back in his chair. "Let the chaos begin…"

Okay, I wont be able to update this until I actually see the movie, so bear with me, m'kay? Thanks!


	2. Damnit janeter, winry

Okay, I know I've been lazy and haven't updated. Wow, so many favorites! Gomen nasai, and thanks!

I just saw the movie. Can I just say-OH. MY. GOD. That has got to be me THE most bizarre thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Excel Saga! Anywho, the fanfic:

A giant pair of lips appeared onscreen, and began singing,

"Science Fiction (oooh oh) Double feature,

Doctor X (oooh oh) will build a Creature

See androids fighting (Oooh) Ed and Winry

Anne Francis stars in forbidden planet, in the

Late-night, double feature, picture show."

Then the rest of the singer's face appeared in the darkness.

"I eat you!" screamed Gluttony as he dove at the screen and the camera cut off.

"That was really Gluttony singing, by the way. He's got quite a bit of raw talent," said Envy to the audience.

"What are you doing?" asked Sloth.

"I'm providing commentary, you ignorant lout,"

"Don't talk to mommy that way!" screeched Wrath.

"Can we get on with the movie?" asked Lust between gritted teeth.

"Oh yeah, sure,"

The screen cut to a small chapel. A group of excited wedding guests came down the steps. The bride threw her bouquet, and a young girl in the crowd caught it.

"Why are you throwing rice?" Breda asked Havoc in the audience.

Havoc looked up vaguely. "I don't know,"

"Oh Ed, that was such a beautiful wedding," said the girl who had caught the bouquet to her escort. She had pale blond hair and was wearing a purple dress and a sunhat.

"Yeah," agreed the boy, who had golden hair and dorky glasses that obviously weren't his. "It was."

Al gasped. "You and Winry are in this movie too, Nii-san?"

But Ed had slid out of his chair and was attempting to hide under it. "They bribed us," He whimpered pathetically.

"With what?"

Ed whispered, "Cool Ranch Doritos. I couldn't help it, I love those things! I mean, what would you have done, huh Al? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?" Ed started shaking his brother. "Oh, yeah, you can't eat. Sorry."

"Al and Rose looked so sweet together," continued Winry, onscreen.

"Yeah, but-"

"I'm so happy for them, it's like a fairy tale, and-"

Ed cleared his throat to interrupt. "Winry?"

"Yes, Ed?" she asked.

"I'd just like to say-"

"Uh huh?"

"I really loved the -skillful way-you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."

"Oh, Ed," Winry sighed.

And then, with a somber looking family mourning, oh, let's say, Archer, singing the backups, Ed broke into song:

"The river was deep, but I swam it (Winry)

The future is ours; so let's plan it (Winry)

So, please, don't tell me to can it (Winry)

I've one thing to say, and that's Damnit, Winry, I love you

The road was long, but I ran it (Winry)

There's a fire in my heart, and you fan it (Winry)

If there's one fool for you, then I am it (Winry)

I've one thing to say, and that's Damnit, Winry, I love you"

Ed bent down on one knee in front of Winry and pulled out a box, and opened it to reveal a ring.

"Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker

There's three ways love can grow

That's good, bad, or mediocre,

Oh, W-I-N-R-Y, I love you so"

Winry gasped, then threw her arms around him, and sang herself:

"Oh, it's nicer than Rose Thomas had (Oh Ed)

Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Ed)

And we won't even need to tell your dad (Oh Ed)

I've one thing to say, and that's Ed, I'm mad for you, too

Oh Ed, I'm Mad"

"Damnit Winry," sang Ed

Then they sang together "I love you," and kissed each other.

"Hey!" said Winry suddenly. "Let's go visit the colonel! I bet he'll want to hear the news."

"Do we have to?" whined Ed, but was silenced when Winry glared warningly at him

"Okay," he said. "Let's go!"

Then the scene changed to an old-fashioned looking woman in a study. "And so, Edward Elric and Winry Rockbell set off to visit Colonel Roy Mustang, Ed's former mentor and their close friend. Just two ordinary kids, on a night out. However, It would be a night out they would remember for a very long time."

The Homunculi turned around to see Dante standing behind Pride's Chair

"Dante!" cried Envy. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Why didn't you let me be in the movie?" demanded the villainess.

"Well-we didn't think you'd want to be,"

"Well, you could have at least asked me!" she growled. "Anyway, I took the liberty of filming myself as the Criminologist and editing it into the movie."

"Aww, that was supposed to be my role!" Whined the Fuhrer.

"Don't feel bad, Pride," said Lust. "You got this all set up, remember?"

"Besides, you're not that good of an actor, anyway," muttered Greed.

Pride stuck his tongue out at him.

Next up: Ed and Winry get a flat tire, and have to go to an old castle and –wait, you probably know this, don't you? Anyway, review, and I'll put it up as soon as I can (or feel like it).


	3. a blowoutle gasp!

Hi! Ayako-chan here. This is where it gets interesting…Thanks to all who commented! 

"We should have been there a while ago, Ed," said Winry anxiously. "I think we might be lost."

The two teens had been driving for a while now, and were now on an unfamiliar road. And to make matters worse, it was raining hard.

"No we're not," Ed argued. "It's just because it's raining that it looks that way. We should be there any minute now."

Suddenly a bright light whizzed past them on the street.

"That's the third motorcycle that's past us tonight," Winry commented, a bit perplexed.

Then, what the two were dreading appeared right in front of them:

A dead end.

"Great," muttered Ed. "I knew I should have taken that left turn-"

"At Albuquerque!"

"Shut up, Wrath." muttered Envy.

"All right, that's it, I'm turning around." Suddenly a huge BANG came from underneath them.

"What was that bang?" cried Winry.

"I dunno," Ed looked out the window at the car. "We must have a blowout. I'll go look for help." He got out, put up the hood on his jacket, and started walking down the road. Winry grabbed a newspaper and followed, holding it over her head.

Suddenly they saw a bright light behind the pouring rain. There was an enormous, old white mansion with a glowing window.

The two began to sing:

"In the velvet darkness

Of the blackest night,

Burning bright

There's a guiding star,

No matter who or what you are,

There's a liiight…"

"This song is kinda pointless," interrupted Lust.

"I concur," said Pride. "Show of hands?" All the Homunculi's hands shot in the air.

"Okay then," he pulled out a remote and hit fast forward.

Minutes later, Ed and Winry were at the door. Ed lifted the giant brass knocker and knocked three times.

The door slowly creaked open to reveal a pale young boy wearing a bleached, patchy wig. "Helloo," he croaked in a monotone voice.

After an awkward silence, Ed cleared his throat. "Hello. I'm Edward Elric, and this is my fiancé, Winry. Our car broke down. Do you have a phone we could use?"

The boy looked them over blankly for a few seconds. "You're wet," he finally said.

"Well, yes," replied Winry. "It's raining."

"You must come in and dry off," And before they could reply, the boy grabbed both of their shirts and dragged them inside.

Me: Sorry that was so short. I'm going to Oregon tomorrow! Yay!

Wrath: Wasn't I great, Mommy? Huh huh huh? Wasn't I?

Sloth: wha? Oh, yeah, sure you were, sweetie. Sure you were.

Next up: Time Warp!


	4. Chapter 4

I'm back! Oregon was absolutely gorgeous, so different from the Midwest (so flat!) Anyway, yeah, the story.

Dante the Criminologist reappeared onscreen. "Some say that the world we live in is an illusion. If this is true, than Ed and Winry are both perfectly fine. If not-well, just watch and see."

The scene changed to the mansion, where the boy was leading the two young people into the hall.

"The Master is in the main hall. He's having some distinguished guests over tonight,"

"Lucky for him," Winry piped up.

Then, a tall, busty woman with jet-black hair and a rather revealing maid outfit slid down the banister. "Sure, he's lucky, you're lucky, everybody's lucky!" she shouted.

Lust groaned. "I'll never forgive you guys for making me wear that thing,"

"Oh, since when do you ever dress decently, anyway?" Sloth retorted.

Lust prepared to unsheathe her nails. "Take that back, you little-"

"Shhh!" interrupted Greed. "Music number."

The kid sang,

"It's astounding,

time is fleeting.

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely-"

"Not for very much longer," put in the woman.

"I've got keep control.

I remember doing the Time Warp

During those moments when

The Blackness would hit me

And the void would be calling:"

They flung the doors of the main hall open to reveal a bunch of people (many whom were recognized as military personnel) dancing, dressed in tuxedoes and bizarre accessories.

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" they all sang at once. Winry fainted into Ed's arms.

Dante appeared with a chart of dance steps.

"It's just a jump to the left,

and then a step to the rii-iight.

Put your hands on your hips

And tuck your knees in ti-iight.

Then it's the pelvic thru-ust

That drives you insa-a-ane;

Let's do the Time Warp again!"

Then the woman took up the next verse

"It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me,

so you can't see me, no not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

Well secluded, I see all.

Both: With a bit of a mind flip,

You're in a time slip

And nothing can ever be the same.

You're spaced out on sensation

Like you're under sedation.

Let's do the Time Warp again!" 

Now a disco light appeared out of the ceiling.

"Don't you think that was a bit much?" asked Dante to the three males whom had put it there.

Envy, Greed, and Wrath all looked at each other. "Hell, no!" they chorused.

"It's just a jump to the left,

and then a step to the rii-iight.

Put your hands on your hips

And tuck your knees in ti-iight.

Then it's the pelvic thru-ust

That drives you insa-a-ane;

Let's do the Time Warp again!"

Then a girl with cropped brown hair, a vegas-esque showgirl outfit, and LOTS of glitter was shown up on the stage.

"Well, I was walkin' down the street just havin' a think when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink He shook me up he took me by surprise He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes He stared at me and I felt a change Time meant nothin' never would again!"

"Sloth wouldn't work for us at first, she just had no personality whatsoever," explained Envy.

"So we laced her Philosopher's Stones with Red Bull, and cut her hair while she was asleep!"

"Wait-what?" Asked Sloth.

"Just watch the movie, Mommy," smiled Wrath sweetly.

It's just a jump to the left,

and then a step to the rii-iight.

Put your hands on your hips

And tuck your knees in ti-iight.

Then it's the pelvic thru-ust

That drives you insa-a-ane;

Let's do the Time Warp again!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Oh dear, Ed and Winry have really gotten themselves into it this time. The more you review, the faster I'll update!


	5. Chapter 5

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update, but I have that little thing called school. Yeah. Sophomoric sophomore. Okay, the fic.

Naturally, Ed and Winry were severely weirded out by this strange turn of events. "I'm scared, Ed. I wanna go home,"

"Oh, come on, Winry. It's not that bad," Ed tried to persuade her, as they began slowly backing into a darkened hallway. "We'll just tell them what happened, and then we'll go…"

Just then, an old-fashioned elevator came down behind them and opened to reveal a man (at least, it _looked_ like a man) with green, stick-out hair, lots of makeup, and wrapped in what appeared to be a window drape. He greeted them singing,

"How d'ya do, I

See you've met my

Faithful handyman

He's just a little brought down

'cause when you knocked,

he thought you were the candyman.

Don't get strung out by the way I look

Don't judge a book by its cover.

I may not be much of a man by day,

But at night, I'm one hell of a lover!"

He sauntered down to the stage, and flung off his, er, drape, to reveal a sequined bodysuit and fishnet stockings.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite

from transsexual

Transylvania-ha-ha-ah!"

Ed had had just about enough of this nonsense. He spoke to the man, who had been dancing around,

"Glad we caught you at home.

Can we use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry."

"Yeah," piped up Winry.

"We'll just say where we are,

then get back in the car.

We don't want to be any worry."

The man swung around dramatically to face them.

"Oh!

You've got a flat,

Well how 'bout that?

Well babies, don't you panic.

By the light of the night

It'll all seem all right.

I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From transsexual

Transylvania-ha-ha-ha!"

Winry fainted yet again.

"Poor girl," sighed Envy. "She cannot handle the pure uber sexiness that is moi."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

Onscreen, the man walked coyly up to his guests with a big evil grin.

"Why don't you stay for the night?

Or maybe a bite?

I could show you my favorite obsession.

I've been making a man

With sandy hair and a tan.

He's good for relieving my-" he posed like a cat -"tension.

Yeah, I'm just a sweet transvestite

From transsexual

Transylvania-HA-HA-HA!

So come up to the lab

And see what's on the slab"

The man flounced over to Ed and Winry. "Hello my friends. I apologize, you seem to have caught me in the midst of company." He gestured to the large crowd. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doctor Frank N. Furter. But you can just call me Envy."

"Why?" asked Winry.

Envy shrugged. "I dunno, I just like it," He clapped his hands. "Lust, Riff-Wrath, get their things."

The young boy and busty girl went and took the young couple's coats, as well as Ed's suit and Winry's dress.

"Booobs…" drooled Greed.

"Much better," said Envy. "Now, everyone, to the lab!"

Wow, this is hard. I have a bit of trouble writing songfics. If anyone has advice, please share it.

Al: (Sobbing) Why, Nii-san, why?

Ed: What can I say, I was reealy drunk…

Updates as soon as school lets me!


End file.
